


Insecurities

by jaeyoonijagi



Category: GOT7
Genre: Eating Disorder, GOT7 - Freeform, M/M, anxiety attack, emetophobia warning, markson, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 04:21:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11661525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaeyoonijagi/pseuds/jaeyoonijagi
Summary: Because sometimes what's in the reflection is not what you want it to be.





	1. Insecurities

**Author's Note:**

> Can also be found at AFF.
> 
> This was written in late 2015/early 2016 and I had was imagining it taking place in preparation for If You Do.  
> It's written from different points of views, but no part is written from 3rd person pov (I'm so sorry, I'll fix it soon).
> 
> MIGHT BE TRIGGERING.

I made my way towards the room I share with Mark to get him ready to film the 6th episode of our show Real GOT7. For the first time in a year I let him change by himself. I've been too suspicious to let him do so before considering the fact that he suffered from an eating disorder. Or suffered and suffered, he's not completely recovered just yet, but on a good way, so I guess you could say he's just suffering less?   
I knocked softly on the door before opening, finding my lover standing, frowning in front of the mirror.   
"Mark? What's wrong?"  
"I look so fat in this."  
"Mark, stop.", I said as I walked up to him, backhugging him. "You look amazing."  
He didn't answer and I tried to catch his gaze in the mirror, which was pointless since he was facing the floor. Sudden drops on my hands made me worried.   
"Honey? Why are you crying?"  
And out of nowhere he broke down. Tears fell freely from his eyes, he lost his balance which caused him to fall against me and his breathing got rapid and not far from hyperventilating.   
"Mark, you need to calm down."  
I held him up against my chest, without pressing him too hard or too close. If there's something to avoid right now, it's getting him claustrophobic.   
"Can you try to copy my breathing?", I felt his head nod against my chest. I inhaled for seven seconds before exhaling. After seven more seconds I inhaled again and tried to get him to do the same. Ten minutes later he was breathing properly, still a little bit too uneven for my liking, but definitely better than before. "Are you okay now?"  
He nodded before quietly apologizing and thanking me. "Hey, don't apologize and thank me, I would never just watch you suffocating. And it went well. I'm proud of you, you know. You've gotten so far in the last couple of months, both with your anxiety and eating disorder. I love you."  
He kept facing the floor, while mumbling something like 'I love you too', I just figured he would be a bit embarrassed after having a full blown anxiety attack in front of me, when it had been a long while since last time.   
I softly kissed his forehead. I grabbed his hands and noticed red patches on his knuckles.  
"Hey, what happened to your hands?", he looked down on his hands, looking like he didn't know they were there before.   
"Honestly...I...I don't know..."  
"Did you hit something out of anger because of this? Be honest with me."  
He looked at me and nodded. "Sorry."  
I kissed his knuckles and guided him to the bathroom to get him cleaned up before leaving for filming. 

We got to the pool and met up with the others who were really excited about this whole idea. We were going to film us just randomly playing in a pool, which was, according to me, awesome. Mark on the other hand didn't seem as excited.  
We started by tricking Yugyeom into the water which turned into all of us jumping in, except for Mark. So, being the amazing boyfriend I am, I went up to get him in. He saw me coming and tried to back away but I grabbed his arm, trying to pull him with me, which he wasn't too fond of. He immediately started to fight against me and tried to drag himself backwards. He almost managed to flee but I caught his shirt and continued to pull until he gave in and jumped in, not missing his opportunity to do a flip before landing in the pool. I got quite surprised when I grabbed his arm though, it was so skinny I could almost wrap my whole hand around his upper arm. I shrugged it off as me being delusional. When Mark landed in the pool his snapback fell off and his gorgeous hair fell down and he looked down to shake off some water that splashed in his face and thanks to the very big v-neck shirt he was wearing, that he previously complained about, I got a view of his smooth chest. Much to my surprise I could see faint outlines of ribs and I'm standing a couple of meters away. I frowned. This better be my imagination.   
A couple of minutes into everything half of the group were back up at land and for some reason, I guess to squeeze the water out of it, Mark had removed his shirt when I was turned around, playing with Kunpimook but he put it on before any comments were made. I must've seen wrong earlier, because now his ribs didn't look like they would break through his skin.   
The rest of the day went buy nicely, we played many games and in the end the losing team would prepare dinner, the losing team being Kunpimook, Junior and Youngjae. Right before the camera was supposed to turn off I decided to tease our fans by taking my see-through shirt off and showing off my abs. Don't judge me, I've worked hard for it.  
Since Yugyeom, Mark and I won and Jaebum was the judge, we got to go and do a little bit of whatever we wanted while the other prepared dinner. When they were done we were called and went there to eat. I made sure to pay extra attention to my boyfriend because of everything that happened earlier but there was nothing strange going on. At least I could breathe out now.

Filming for today was over and we got back to the dorm to rest for tomorrow. I followed Mark into our shared bedroom and got changed to sleep. While I slept in nothing but underwear, Mark wore his usual sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt, pretty sure it was mine, since he has difficulties keeping his body warm due to his old habits. For unknown reasons he got changed in the bathroom connected to our bedroom instead of here, where he usually does, and it had me worrying. He came back a couple of minutes later after getting ready and went to bed, waiting for me to crawl in behind him. After doing my night routine in the bathroom I eventually did lay behind him and spooned him from behind. I burried my face in his neck and kissed his ear softly. My hands reached into his shirt and I felt his ribs, as I feared. I stroke them and pulled him closer to me.   
"I love you Yi-En."  
He turned around and faced me caressing my face before leaning in, connecting our lips. "I love you too, Ka Yee."  
I hugged him close, his face disappearing in my broad chest. He planted a couple of pecks on my chest and it caused an aching pain in my chest. It was not just caused by his sudden action but everything he ever does. I don't want to live without this guy. He's my everything.   
Sleep slowly took over and I fell asleep to the view of my boyfriend peacefully sleeping and it caused me to fall asleep with a smile. 

I woke up in the middle of the night because I had a nightmare. I dreamt that Mark died so to comfort myself I reached out to touch him to know he's alive but he was gone. I almost started hyperventilating before I saw the light from the bathroom. I let out a sigh. Damn, why must he scare me like that?   
Suddenly painful gagging noises were heard from the bathroom. They weren't loud but our bedroom was quiet so you could hear it. I walked over to the door and slowly and carefully opened it to see Mark at the other side of the bathroom, hunched over the porcelain bowl. What surprised me was the fingers in his throat, that obviously triggered his gag reflex and caused him to vomit violently. I could tell he didn't notice my presence so quietly went over and stroke his back, and he tensed. I allowed myself to sit down behind him and backhug him. When he stopped vomiting he leaned back against my chest.   
"Why?"  
"I'm fat, Jackson.", his voice was raspy from throwing up.   
"Mark. We've already talked about this a million times."  
"How can you even touch my body without being disgusted. I've eaten so much recently. You must be suffering so badly."  
"Mark, not another word okay? I need to get this said.", he nodded against my chest.   
"I remember the day I found out about you starving yourself. I remember all the feelings. I didn't even believe you at first. I refused to. Why? Because to me you are the most beautiful human being I've ever seen. I really couldn't understand why you would ruin yourself. I couldn't understand how you could feel so badly about yourself. When you finally started eating more I got so happy I couldn't even do anything but smile. I can't recall when the last time I felt so happy was. It just felt like everything would be okay. And it's been like that for a while now. I will regret asking this but how long has this been going on?"  
Mark sniffed and then inhaled carefully. "Six months."   
My heart dropped. "You...I...I honestly don't know what to say."  
And it was true. I couldn't even express the feeling of emptiness inside of me. How could I not know? How could I not notice?  
"Why didn't you tell me?"  
"I didn't want you to be mad."  
"Well, finding out because I saw it before me surely didn't make me feel better than if you would've told me!"  
"I'm sorry.", he started sobbing and I felt guilt creep up my spine.   
"I'm sorry too, Mark. I'm sorry for snapping at you, I'm just so worried. Eating disorders have the highest fatality rate of any mental illness and I really do not know what I'll do if I lose you. I love you so, so much. Please. I'm begging you. Please stop this."  
"It's not that easy.", he mumbled.  
"I'll help you. I'll do anything in my power to make you better. I promise. But you also have to promise me something."  
He looked up at me.   
"You have to be completely honest with me. All the time. Don't think about how I will react, just tell me."  
"I...I can try."  
I hugged him close and felt tears threaten to fall. "Thank you.", I whispered.   
"I can't promise anything though."  
"I appreciate you trying."  
"I'm still fat."  
"I'll make you feel beautiful."  
We left the bathroom after cleaning up and went back to bed.   
"Mark?", he hummed. "Do you know something?"  
"What?"  
"I love you."  
"I love you too."

And the journey towards recovery got started. It won't be easy one tiny bit considering the fact that he still doesn't truly want recovery because he doesn't believe his sick but soon enough he'll see it. Hopefully it's not too late yet.


	2. Mirrors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because sometimes recovery doesn't go as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second part called Mirrors, I'd like to point out that I'm not a doctor, nor do I have some doctor's degree but I tried.
> 
> MIGHT BE TRIGGERING.

I sat in front of the mirror, just staring at my reflection. This is the first time I'm able to look in the full-length mirror, since Jackson left to film some show, I didn't even bother learning the name. All I knew was that he was going to be away for a total of two weeks, which meant he's coming back in a week. I feel so bad knowing I'll have to lie to him. I took this chance to make these two weeks my fasting, binging and purging weeks. With Jackson around, I've felt as if I've gained at least four kilograms in the latest month, and it's not in any way pleasant. I've been purging secretly all along but not quite as often as before. I don't want to 'recover'. I want to become beautiful, I want to become skinny.  
I remember the night Jackson found me in the bathroom, the night he found out my secret. That night was the day I was at my lowest weight, even though I ate a lot throughout the day, which triggered something inside of me and had me wanting to puke my guts out. I don't understand this logic at all. Like when I'm full I keep eating but when I'm hungry I keep starving. Some days I refuse to eat more than 100 calories but other days I eat more than 2000. Where is even the logic?  
From the corner of my eye I saw the screen of my phone blink over and over, meaning someone was calling but I had forgotten to put the sound on. I grabbed my phone and looked at the caller ID. Jackson.  
"Hello?", I answered as cheerfully as I could at the moment.  
"Hi honey, how are you?", he questioned me.   
"Everything's good, how's the show?", I asked him as a tear rolled down my left cheek. If he only knew...  
"It's very interesting, but you know what? I'd rather hear about you at the moment. We can talk about this when I get home.", to say he surprised me is an understatement, I was expecting him to ramble about this show.   
"So tell me, are you eating?"  
"Yes."  
"Without purging?"  
"Yes.", I rolled my eyes.   
"Do you miss me?", I felt tears well up in my eyes and I took a deep, shaky breath. Okay, calm down...  
"Y-yes.", it came out sounding really broken and my voice cracked at the very beginning of the word.  
"Aw Mark, don't worry, I'll be right back before you can blink."  
"I need you...", I whispered quietly, more to myself rather than to him.   
"I'll be home soon. I really do not want to do this, but I have to go now. Will you be alright?"  
"Y-yes."  
"I'll call you soon! Love you!"  
And then he hung up. I wanted to control my tears and breathing but it was hard, must harder than it usually was. I could feel my throat tightening and oxygen couldn't find it's way down. I kept getting hot flashes but at the same time cold shivers and as I tried to stand up in order to go to the bed, I fell to the floor because of dizziness and therefore fell down on my hands and knees. I felt nauseous and soon enough there was a puddle of bile in front of me, and the last thing I heard before collapsing was a familiar voice calling my name. 

Bright lights blinded me as I opened my eyes. It gave me a slight headache and I tried to blink the light away, but the more I blinked, the clearer and sharper everything became, including the damn lights. Somewhere in the distance I could hear people, at least three arguing but I couldn't put a name to the voices just yet, it was too unclear. I tried to speak but nothing came out, only troubling me more. Suddenly I felt myself shiver and my senses became clearer. It was like I had just been underwater but reached the surface, making me able to do everything with much more ease. I could finally move small parts of my body such as toes and fingers and I could hear much clearer. The voices did, without a doubt, belong to Jackson, Jinyoung and Jaebum but at some points I could hear both Youngjae and Kunpimook take part of the conversation. They all sounded upset but I couldn't really make out what they were saying. It was as if I had forgotten how to speak whatever language they used. Deciding that I would have to try to wake the rest of my body, I started twitching my fingers, only now noticing the hand holding onto mine. My neck was sore and I couldn't turn to see who it was. Thankfully, the person had felt it and leaned over me carefully.  
"Hyung? Are you okay? Should I get the others?", it was Yugyeom. That explained why he wasn't part of their conversation.   
Once again I opened my mouth and tried to speak but nothing came out. "Okay, should I get the others? Blink once for yes and twice for no."  
I blinked twice. But you can't really blame me now can you? Like, when you can't move or speak, you wouldn't want six other guys surrounding you, drowning you in questions.   
"Do...do you know where you are?", he sounded nervous, as if he was unsure if he should be telling me. I blinked twice. I mean, I was most likely in a hospital but one can never be sure.   
"You're in the hospital...Jinyoung went to get you to eat but apparently you fainted."  
So it was Jinyoung's voice.   
"The doctors put you on a lot of different medications, I don't even know what they are. That's why you might feel a bit drowsy. You know what? Try to get some sleep, you'll feel better. I'll tell the doctors to let you be for a while."  
And I did. 

The next time I woke up, moving was so much easier. The first thing I tried was to move my head and turned to my side, surprisingly not finding Yugyeom, but Jackson, holding my hand while playing with my fingers.  
"Jackson.", you could barely hear what I said and the words that came out, came out brokenly and crackily.   
"Mark? Oh, Mark, finally!", he flew out of his chair and picked up my upper body in a bone-crushing hug. "Do you even know how worried I've been?!"  
"Sorry.", I whispered, not trusting my voice one tiny bit.   
"I'm just glad you're alive. Don't you ever dare to skip a single meal or purge once again, do you understand?"  
I turned my head away. Not this again.   
"Mark, look at me. Fucking look at me!"  
When he raised his voice I looked at him and he grabbed my face. "You're in a hospital because of an eating disorder. You've wasted many years destroying your own body because of an eating disorder. You just almost fucking died because of an eating disorder. I don't know if you've noticed, but this is not some sort of game. You need to talk to a therapist. You need to see what it does to you."  
"Thanks but no thank you.", I spoke up, my voice slowly returning.   
"Sorry to say but it's not your choice anymore. We already have a meeting next week."  
"Excuse me? I think I have every right to say no."  
"Mark, wake up. You're in the fucking hospital because you're too blinded by an illness. You need help."  
"Please don't do this..."  
"It'll be okay. I'll come with you every time and help you through it. But please just accept this one meeting. If you feel like it doesn't help we won't return okay?"  
I thought for a couple of seconds. I don't want him mad at me so I have nothing but accepting his offer to do. "Okay."  
"Good."  
He leaned in and claimed my lips with his own, warm and welcoming pair.   
"Don't you dare lie to me. The next time I catch you lying to me we'll put you in a rehab."  
I froze and my eyes grew wide. "Y-yah, don't joke around like that!"  
"Does it look like I'm joking?"  
Of course not.   
"No.", I muttered.   
"Are we clear?"  
"Yes."

We got to leave the hospital two days later and of course the first thing we had to do when we got back to the dorm was to eat. I sighed, which Jackson caught.   
"It'll be alright."  
It was nothing much, just some rice and kimchi. I felt Jackson's eyes on me the entire time and I would lie if I said it didn't make me anxious. His stare was just so intense. I need it off me.   
"Why would you tell me to eat when you don't yourself?", I asked him.   
"Because I'm not the one with an eating disorder. I just need to make sure you eat."  
I felt the corners of my mouth twitch. Not a word about purging, exercise or laxatives.   
"Will you just continue eating?"  
I did as I was told. After just a couple of minutes I was done and ready to leave as I stood up.  
"Sit back down."  
"I'm done."  
"Accompany me. I'll do whatever you want", as I opened my mouth to suggest dancing but he spoke up faster. "As long as it's not related to exercise or purging."  
"Can you just leave me alone?!"  
"Nope. I love you too much for that."  
I sat down and put my head in my hands.   
"You know I'm only doing this for your best. Every fight you put up on the way, every single thing, is worth it. Recovery is worth it."   
"I don't know if I want this recovery thing you're constantly speaking about."  
He walked over from his spot in front of me to beside me. He flung his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer.   
"Everything will be better when you've recovered. It's like breaking your leg. Because your leg is broken you would face some difficulties with what you usually would be able to do. But with time your leg heals and everything gets better and easier again. Imagine recovery like that. Wouldn't it be worth it?"  
"I guess so..."

Later the same night I found myself sitting in front of the mirror once again. Jackson was sound asleep and I wondered if this was worth waking him up.   
_Recovery is worth it._  
Yes. I must do this.   
A couple of seconds later I found myself standing with my hands at the top of the mirror. With force I gripped the frame and pulled it down towards the floor where it shattered loudly. Suddenly Jackson stood by my side searching for wounds to found none.   
"Would you please explain why you broke the mirror in the middle of the night?"  
Before I could answer, the other members of our group stood in the doorway wondering the exact same thing.   
I smiled before reaching down to pick up the pieces.   
"I won't need it anymore."


	3. I Held Death's Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe it was already too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT.  
> This story has two endings, the one I made from the start and an alternative ending I made after. Imma have to spoil this but one part is a happy ending, one is not.  
> IF YOU DO NOT WANT AN UNHAPPY ENDING, GO AHEAD AND READ CHAPTER 4 INSTEAD.
> 
> MIGHT BE TRIGGERING.

Everything was going great. Really, Mark didn't stop visiting the therapist and he was finally getting better. No purging. No skipping meals. His smile started reaching his eyes again and his laughter came straight from the heart. Before he used to ditch the other members to either purge or exercise excessively but now he spent almost all waking hours with them, which was healthy for all of them. Everything was perfect.

Then it happened. We had another long day of dance practice but as usual we had a lot of fun and got loads done at the same time, just the way we prefer it to be. There was never any fighting, we always supported and helped each other out which made me even more thankful for our team.   
However, this day was not like all others. We were all exhausted and planned to call it a day after going through the routine of If You Do one more time. After the first chorus Mark's solo was coming up but as he was about to step forward he suddenly collapsed on the floor. We all dropped to our knees, thankful for how close we all stood in this choreography.   
"Mark? Mark?!", he croaked out, my voice already cracking as I teared up.  
"Youngjae, go get the manager!", Jaebum screamed frantically and Youngjae did as he was told. Not even a minute later the manager came rushing through the door with a phone ready in his hand.  
"I can't find a pulse!", I sobbed out, tears hitting Mark's pale skin. "Mark, wake up!"  
I kept doing CPR without any successful results. With every second I cried harder as Mark turned paler and colder. The next thing I knew, an ambulance arrived and paramedics got Mark to the ambulance, ready to dash to the hospital. We got asked who would go in the ambulance and before I could speak up, manager ordered us to go home and get changed before going to the hospital. After a minute of me arguing against it, the others reminded me of the fact that Mark's life is on the line. 

The ride home was far from pleasant. Manager went in the ambulance and had a co-worker driving us back to the dorm. Everyone was crying by now and there were a bunch of questions thrown everywhere about whether he would make it or not.   
"Jackson...try to not think about it...", Jinyoung rested a hand on my shoulder and rubbed it carefully.   
"How can I not?! My boyfriend's heart was not even beating! What if he's already fucking dead?!"  
"Hyung, how can you say so?!", Yugyeom cried out.   
"Shh, Gyeom...", Youngjae said as he stroke Yugyeom's back, bringing him out of the conversation again. The three youngest members sat in the middle as the three older sat at the back.   
"Jackson, we're all worried. No matter how much you see it, you couldn't have prevented it. We do not even know the cause of this."  
And with that said we arrived at the dorm. We all hurriedly showered and got dressed. I went first and when I came out the co-worker came up to me with a phone.   
"Your manager told doctors to talk to you about Mark."  
My heart sank. Was it already too late?  
"H-hello?", I spoke into the phone.   
"Jackson Wang. This is doctor Kim Kwangmin. We have a couple of questions that need to be answered."  
"Alright."  
"Did Mark suffer any illnesses that are not written down in his journal aside from anxiety?"  
Oh, that's right. We payed the therapist to not mention anything to anyone.   
"Y-yeah. He's a recovered anorexic and bulimic."  
"We got all the information we needed. Thank you for your time."  
"Thank you Kwangmin-sshi."  
The others got ready and we left for the hospital.

In the lobby we were told where to go and ended up in a waiting room where we found both our manager and Park Jinyoung, also known as 'JYP'. Their expressions were hard to read and I wasn't sure whether I should be happy or upset about that. We sat down on the empty chairs around them.   
"Any news?", Jaebum asked, breaking the silence.   
"They're working on it, but we haven't heard more than that. We've also contacted Mark's parents, his family tries to get here as soon as possible."  
Mark's family was still in South Korea after celebrating his birthday a couple of days ago so they should be here soon. We sat back and I started drifting off, thinking about the conversation I had with Mark before we debuted. 

 _The room was dark as Mark and I lied in a comfortable silence._  
"What if we fail tomorrow?", he asked quietly and I laughed softly.  
"Everything will be fine! Besides, if anyone makes a small mistake the viewers won't know because they haven't seen the performance before. So don't you worry."  
His arms tighrened around my waist.   
"Thank you Jackson."  
"Everything will be alright."

We started dating back in the trainee days which not even the other GOT7 members knew as they found out about our relationship when we were promoting 'Stop Stop It'. Already back then Mark had been insecure about his body but he took care of it. If we could just turn back time so I could fix everything. I told him everything would be alright. How could say such stupid words without knowing what would happen in the future?  
A doctor approached us and looked down in his papers.   
"Park Jinyoung?"  
We all looked at him, the tension in the waiting room going from high to intense.   
"Can I speak to you privately?"  
JYP went to speak to the doctor, leaving us even more anxious about the whole situation. My legs were shaking and I felt nauseous. I didn't know what to do to deal with my feelings so I tried to do what I always told Mark to do when he got anxious. For once I actually understood why Mark sometimes couldn't calm down for a while. I looked over at my friends and saw Jaebum holding Youngjae, while Junior supported both Kunpimook and Yugyeom. No wonder he was known as the mom of the group.   
A couple of minutes later JYP came back but didn't sit back down but stood in front of us all. My heart dropped. I already knew what was waiting.   
"Well...I do not know how to say this but...The doctors said that there's absolutely nothing they can do. Many of his inner organs were in critical condition and they believe he's been hurting for a while without telling anyone. Mark has been pronounced dead."  
And everyone broke down. Our whole group was a mess. The doctor who declared Mark's death to our CEO came out of the room I suppose Mark lied in.   
"E-excuse me.", I said as I walked up to him. When he saw me his eyes turned more sympathic than before and he waited for me to continue. "Could I please get to see Mark for one last time?"  
"Are you sure you're stable enough to see Mr. Tuan? It may not seem like it but the atmosphere in there is much heavier than here."  
"Yes, please!"  
He let me into the room and I walked up to the bed where the body of my lover lied. The doctor was definitely right, as soon as I stepped inside you could feel something was wrong. I sat down on the edge of the bed, by Mark's waist. I took a look at his pale face. He kind of looked like when he was at his worst with his anorexia.  
"Hey Mark. The doctors just pronounced you dead. It doesn't feel like you're gone. I won't believe it. They also mentioned how you most likely suffered some pain before actually collapsing because your eating disorders broke down your organs. I read online that both anorexia and bulimia raises the changes of heart failure which might have been the death cause. Sorry, I'm not here to ramble on. I asked the doctors to let me in to say goodbye. I...I will miss you. Hell, I don't know how I'll manage without you. I just want you to know that I will forever love you. Nothing will make me love you less. I can't even imagine how your family will react when they get here. I hope I won't have to break the news to them. Good night Mark...I'll...", I couldn't end my sentence properly because of my sobbing. "I will never forget you. Rest in peace, my darling."  
I leaned forward and pressed my lips against both of his cheeks, then continued to his forehead and down his nose, to his eyes and lastly his lips. Then I lied my head on his unmoving chest. Never would I ever wake up with him in my arms. He would never kiss me back again. There wouldn't be any late night stories. There wouldn't be any more midnight sneak outs to the roof to watch the stars. I would never talk to this angel again. The last living moment he had was with us. He literally died in front of us. He died doing what he enjoyed the most. And I'm not sure if I should be happy or sad about that.

 

*1 year later*

I dragged my feet on the frozen grass underneath my feet, holding a bouqeut of red roses tightly against my chest. Some of the thorns lightly ripped the fabric of my jacket, creating small holes everywhere but I couldn't bring myself to care. Arriving at the cemetery I walked down the path towards the grave of my loved one. When getting there I sat down on the cold ground, in front of it and just read part of the text over and over again.   
'In memory of Mark Yi-En Tuan  
4th of September 1993 - 7th of September 2015'  
I looked at all the other flowers and presents on the grave. I wish Mark was here to witness this. He thought no one ever cared but his grave was filled with candles, letters and flowers from both family and friends and fans.   
"Hi again Markie. It's been a while. It's basically winter now but there's no snow just yet. I'm not sure I want snow either. You always loved snow and it reminds me of you. I'm not here to talk about snow. I just dropped by to give you these roses since I know you loved red roses. The thorns ripped my jacket so I hope you like them. Your family is slowly recovering and so are we but there's not much progress since the last time I was here. We performed at Mama with BTS the other day and it was so much fun. You would've loved it. Sadly enough I have to leave again. Schedule's starting. I love you Yi-En. I'll be back soon."  
I got back on my feet and exited the cemetery. Before walking out of the gates I turned and looked back at the grave. I smiled softly.   
One day. One day I would be reunited with him. Until then I'd have to live my life to the fullest. But I'm not without Mark. Mark will always be in my heart and guide me through the hardships.   
"Hey Jacks! Ready to go?"  
"Yes. I'm ready."


	4. I Held Death's Hand (Alternative ending)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Never had Jackson been so afraid before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you read chapter 3 and went on to read this one too, you'll notice they start the exact same (I didn't accidently upload the same one, I know what I'm doing for once). 
> 
> MIGHT BE TRIGGERING.

Everything was going great. Really, Mark didn't stop visiting the therapist and he was finally getting better. No purging. No skipping meals. His smile started reaching his eyes again and his laughter came straight from the heart. Before he used to ditch the other members to either purge or exercise excessively but now he spent almost all waking hours with them, which was healthy for all of them. Everything was perfect.

Then it happened. We had another long day of dance practice but as usual we had a lot of fun and got loads done at the same time, just the way we prefer it to be. There was never any fighting, we always supported and helped each other out which made me even more thankful for our team.   
However, this day was not like all others. We were all exhausted and planned to call it a day after going through the routine of If You Do one more time. After the first chorus Mark's solo was coming up but as he was about to step forward he suddenly collapsed on the floor. We all dropped to our knees, thankful for how close we all stood in this choreography.   
"Mark? Mark?!", he croaked out, my voice already cracking as I teared up.  
"Youngjae, go get the manager!", Jaebum screamed frantically and Youngjae did as he was told. Not even a minute later the manager came rushing through the door with a phone ready in his hand.  
"I can't find a pulse!", I sobbed out, tears hitting Mark's pale skin. "Mark, wake up!"  
I kept doing CPR without any successful results. With every second I cried harder as Mark turned paler and colder. The next thing I knew, an ambulance arrived and paramedics got Mark to the ambulance, ready to dash to the hospital. We got asked who would go in the ambulance and before I could speak up, manager ordered us to go home and get changed before going to the hospital. After a minute of me arguing against it, the others reminded me of the fact that Mark's life is on the line. 

The ride home was far from pleasant. Manager went in the ambulance and had a co-worker driving us back to the dorm. Everyone was crying by now and there were a bunch of questions thrown everywhere about whether he would make it or not.   
"Jackson...try to not think about it...", Jinyoung rested a hand on my shoulder and rubbed it carefully.   
"How can I not?! My boyfriend's heart was not even beating! What if he's already fucking dead?!"  
"Hyung, how can you say so?!", Yugyeom cried out.   
"Shh, Gyeom...", Youngjae said as he stroke Yugyeom's back, bringing him out of the conversation again. The three youngest members sat in the middle as the three older sat at the back.   
"Jackson, we're all worried. No matter how much you see it, you couldn't have prevented it. We do not even know the cause of this."  
And with that said we arrived at the dorm. We all hurriedly showered and got dressed. I went first and when I came out the co-worker came up to me with a phone.   
"Your manager told doctors to talk to you about Mark."  
My heart sank. Was it already too late?  
"H-hello?", I spoke into the phone.   
"Jackson Wang. This is doctor Kim Kwangmin. We have a couple of questions that need to be answered."  
"Alright."  
"Did Mark suffer any illnesses that are not written down in his journal aside from anxiety?"  
Oh, that's right. We payed the therapist to not mention anything to anyone.   
"Y-yeah. He's a recovered anorexic and bulimic."  
"We got all the information we needed. Thank you for your time."  
"Thank you Kwangmin-sshi."  
The others got ready and we left for the hospital.

In the lobby we were told where to go and ended up in a waiting room where we found both our manager and Park Jinyoung, also known as 'JYP'. Their expressions were hard to read and I wasn't sure whether I should be happy or upset about that. We sat down on the empty chairs around them.   
"Any news?", Jaebum asked, breaking the silence.   
"They're working on it, but we haven't heard more than that. We've also contacted Mark's parents, his family tries to get here as soon as possible."  
Mark's family was still in South Korea after celebrating his birthday a couple of days ago so they should be here soon. We sat back and I started drifting off, thinking about the conversation I had with Mark before we debuted. 

The room was dark as Mark and I lied in a comfortable silence.   
"What if we fail tomorrow?", he asked quietly and I laughed softly.  
"Everything will be fine! Besides, if anyone makes a small mistake the viewers won't know because they haven't seen the performance before. So don't you worry."  
His arms tighrened around my waist.   
"Thank you Jackson."  
"Everything will be alright."

We started dating back in the trainee days which not even the other GOT7 members knew as they found out about our relationship when we were promoting 'Stop Stop It'. Already back then Mark had been insecure about his body but he took care of it. If we could just turn back time so I could fix everything. I told him everything would be alright. How could say such stupid words without knowing what would happen in the future?  
A doctor approached us and looked down in his papers.   
"Park Jinyoung?"  
We all looked at him, the tension in the waiting room going from high to intense.   
"Can I speak to you privately?"  
JYP went to speak to the doctor, leaving us even more anxious about the whole situation. My legs were shaking and I felt nauseous. I didn't know what to do to deal with my feelings so I tried to do what I always told Mark to do when he got anxious. For once I actually understood why Mark sometimes couldn't calm down for a while. I looked over at my friends and saw Jaebum holding Youngjae, while Junior supported both Kunpimook and Yugyeom. No wonder he was known as the mom of the group.   
A couple of minutes later JYP came back but didn't sit back down but stood in front of us all. I wouldn't be surprised if the others could hear my heart beating.  
"Why do you all look so scared for? Mark is alright."  
And in a matter of seconds the whole group broke down, not from sadness and grief but from happiness and relief. Soon the doctor our CEO talked to came out of the room I assume Mark was in and walked up to us.   
"As you probably already heard, Mark Tuan is alive. His heart is beating again."  
"But how did it even go?", Jinyoung asked. Judging by his face he was surprised that Mark was even alive.   
"If the paramedics would've arrived a little later, there was a possibility he would've woken up where you were before he was brought here. I heard one of you did CPR which helped get his heart started and if you wouldn't have done it he would be dead by now. He was about to die on the way to the hospital but the paramedics successfully saved him. His inner organs are not in the best condition so I wouldn't recommend anything with a lot of movements in the near future."  
I couldn't express my happiness.   
"Is he awake?", Kunpimook asked, bringing his head out of Jinyoung's chest.   
"He's not awake at the moment."  
"Can I see him?", I spoke up, stepping forward.   
"Yes, I can allow that."  
I was guided into the room where my lover was lying. He looked a lot less pale than before and his chest was moving, which I thought I would never witness again back in the practice room. I sat down on the bed, by his waist and grabbed his hand.   
"Hey Mark. I'm so happy you're alive. I don't think you understand how happy I am. I thought I lost you. Don't you ever scare me like that. The doctor said your inner organs aren't doing that well and I hope you're not in pain. It's so awkward speaking like this. But I love you Yi-En, I really do."  
"I love you too Ka Yee."  
Tears filled my eyes as the voice I was longing for entered my ears. I threw myself at him and hugged him tightly.   
"I'm so happy!", I cried out and he laughed weakly.   
"Thank you."  
I looked at him strangely and he started speaking again. "The doctors already explained. Someone did CPR on me and I just suppose it was you. Or wasn't it?"  
"No, it was me."  
"You saved me."  
"Like I would let you die like that!"  
"I still owe you."  
"You don't owe me anything. Or wait. You do, you owe me a kiss!"  
He laughed and leaned in to capture my lips.   
"How I missed you.", I whispered against his lips.   
"I'm not going anywhere.", he whispered back.   
"Did you feel anything? You know...like when you weren't really here."  
"Not really. All I know is that I was close to death. So I guess you could say I held death's hand but let go before I could be dragged down."  
I hugged him tighter.  
"Everything will be alright Jackson, don't worry."  
There was a knock on the door.   
"Mark?", Raymond Tuan's voice was heard through the door.   
"Oh, your family just arrived."  
He laughed and kissed my cheek.   
"We'll do this together. We'll get through this together."


End file.
